” Her smile becomes broader, revealing an imperfectly aligned set of slightly off-colour teeth (none missing).We cut to a shot of Effat’s behind (in saree) as she climbs a narrow staircase, Thor stumbling up the steps behind her. We can hear Yureed behind us, we presume he has a better view than us – looking at Charley’s arse in her jeans rather than Effat’s in her saree. “Thank you for coming ... We have been waiting very long for you...”Cut to, Effat and Yureed sitting side by side on the couch. Close-up on Effat, who is sitting forward with her hands on her knees. She speaks direct to camera, her accent thick with stereotypical accent ticks.“My name is Effat Hassan. I was born in Faisalabad in Pakistan, 41 years ago ... I married Yureed when I was 14, and he brought me here to England, when I was 18. But where he really wants me to be is in The United Kingdom of Zoo...” She slurs slowly, lazily, like a woman bored of the world – stretching words out – ‘Pakistan’ comes out as. My eyes frantically scanned the television screen for the message that had captured my imagination. It occupied a place at the top of the list and was in danger of being eliminated when fresh messages arrived. My sweaty fingers hurriedly punched in the digits. Not being the most forward of people, I elected to send a text message as opposed to calling the number provided. The brief message contained my age, height, weight and eye colour. And a candid admittance, that I fantasized about making love to a beautiful transsexual lady. My thumb hovered over the send button. Biting the nail on my other thumb did not aid my decision-making ability. Neither did chewing on the inside of my cheek. Ironically, all the fidgeting helped prolong my procrastination. It was a relief to see the picture of the tiny envelope shooting across the screen, before the word sent, followed by an exclamation mark, appeared. The phone beeped sharply, to indicate the arrival of a new text message. Eagerly, I.
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